mComplete Question:
How does a mother bring up the topic of menses to her daughter? Does she prepare her for what is going to happen and introduce the fiqh, or does she wait till she has her menses and then indirectly teach them - ie the mother questioning each day and introducing the fiqh as time goes on ?
Answer:
Girls should generally be taught about menses before it occurs without introducing matters of fiqh. A mother can introduce the subject to her by informing her that a day will come when she will see something called “menses”. She should explain to her what it is and why it happens. It is a sign of her “growing up” and that when it occurs both angels on her right and left will now record her actions and Allah will have higher expectations of her; that she should pray, fast and wear hijab just like her mother.
The mother must also inform her that she will have to stay away from the boys and that Allah does not like her mixing with them. In general the mother needs to implant in her daughter’s mind and heart that seeing menses means a “great change in her life” that will make her a thousand times more important in regards to her relationship will Allah and her deen. This will cause her to think about the coming of that”important day”which she will see as an interesting step in her life.
The mother can also tell her a little bit about it before bed. This should be done randomly and not all at one time. A mother should also tell her that there are instructions (not rules) that she will need to learn and that she will teach her when the time comes. Once she sees menses for the first time she will most likely come running to her mother overwhelmed and excited. At that point the mother should buy her (or already have bought) a little “special” calendar book and tell her to write down every day she has her menses. This type of teaching allows the girl to have first hand responsibility for this new beginning she is experiencing.
The mother should tell her that when she is done bleeding that she should report to back to her .The point of giving her a calendar book and having her record her days of menses is to implant in her mind the importance of being responsible about this issue. When she tells her mother menses is done, the mother should teach her about the signs of the ceasing of menses and also teach her that her menses is now a fixed number of days based on the number of days she bled the first time.
The mother should not forget to tell her to keep recording her menses every month and also to report back to her in any case when her blood stops before her fixed number of days or if it passes her fixed number of days. When the girl informs her mother about any of these cases then she should teacher her daughter the rules that apply to each situation (which we covered in the Maliki fiqh text al-Akhdari).
The mother should tell her to record these notes in her little book and she should also help her to do so. Following this type of tarbiyyah will give the mother the ability to teacher her daughter how to apply and understand the general rules of menses without being “technical” until she gets a little older when she can learn from books. During this whole process the mother becomes like a practical guide/teacher for her. It is preferable that this be taught by the mother before the father although if the father is a single parent then there is no doubt that he will have to teach her himself. Allah knows best.